Under or On Top?

I noticed that it's been a week since I last posted here. I am so sorry but the reason I went on a mini-hiatus is that I have made myself busy by volunteering to help High School students from Davao when they went here to Manila to attend a leadership seminar. In short, I became their designated "Kuya" (big brother) during their stay here. I guess I benefitted much from that experience, because not only did I had the chance to help others, it also helped me forget what present tradgedy I am going through right now. Being with those children are a bliss (although there are some children there who I wanted to hang on a tree for their extreme.. ahhm... hyperactiveness), it is like added theraphy to the present one I am having now.

Anyway, I am very surprised and very happy with the pace I am having regarding my break-up. Maybe the time is near when I really can say that the particular episode is really about to close an a new one is about to unfold, especially with how the new developments are going. Really, love comes when you least expect it.

****

Anyway, I went to see the movie, The Stepford Wives starring Nicole Kidman and directed by Frank Oz. It was a remake of the movie of the same title that was shown 25 years ago, however, the difference is that the original was supposed to be a suspense thriller and this new Kidman-starrer is on the comedic side.

I wont spoil the details but I guarantee you, it's one fun watch. It's a story of a town where all the wives are perfect and all the husbands are happy. Too good to be true, and that's where the plot starts. I really recommend this movie to couples who feel that their lives is a kind of a battle of the sexes sort of thing. The lines are very witty and the whole movie was very smart.

What struck me in the movie is that it poses a question to the viewers. A question which I wanted also to ask you dear blogging friends. I know the question is out of synch, especially if you know what I am going through right now, but still, I wanted to know your side.

Would you prefer your significant other (boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife) to be better than you (in all aspects)? Or you want yourself to be better than them?

No mediocre answers please. Just blunt honesty.

Timer starts now.

Today, a Twentyone

Today is a twentyfirst. Specifically, it is August 21st. A special day because today is my mother's birthday.

However, there is another "special" thing about this day. Get your pen and paper, we'll do some math.

Exactly three years ago today, someone reconfirmed to me that she really loved me. Why reconfirm? Because two years and three months ago from that day, when it was the week before I entered the seminary, someone said that she really loved me. Of course, that changes things doesn' t it? But little did I know that I was on for a rollercoaster ride. Her decision whether she really loved me or not changes weekly like clockwork. So every week of my whole seminary life, I have to sneek out a phone call just to know whether she loved me that week or not.

Going back, so three years ago from today, she finally admitted that she really loved me all that time, but it wasn't really finalized. It was just a "mutual" thing, no commitments whatsoever. But in my opinion we were already a couple by that time because we do everything what couples do, the only thing lacking in that kind of set-up is only the "formality" of us being a couple.

The formality would only come 8 months after that day (Are you still with me? Good.). It was an April, a day after my birthday. We were officially a "we." Since that was the "official" day, we were supposed to celebrate our 2nd year and 4th month today. But if we are to count the "real" day she professed her love to me, today would have been our third year together.

But we have splitted up two weeks before. We were 18 days short to complete either a 2 years and 4th months or a 3 solid years.

Why am I counting? Because I'm hurt. I thought we would end up together and spend our lives growing old together. I was counting on that. But now, I only have these numbers to count.

And now, I am tasked with a new painful thing to count. To count the days up to the time I'm completely over her.

Windfall

Listen those who have ears
Sometimes windfalls do happen
That I can cheat the normal flow of things
I dreamt that I had a beautiful apparition
For only but a fleeting time

Vision is clear
That I was filled by sunshine
As if it was summertime
But the truth it was Autumn

I felt once more warm wind's embrace
To taste once more the fruits of paradise
Looking to the sun once more straight in the eye
As if there was no storm, as if there were no darkness

I dreamt I was heaven again
As my unction was around me locked in sweet embrace
I knew it'll be over soon
That apparitions are all but permanent

I wake up back at autumn time
the real season, the real reason
I then stood up walking among the cold trees
waiting for a promise that it will be summertime soon
and summertime forever


***

Yes. I suck in making poems.

And When Mother Asks ...

I am still learning on how to cope up with my present situation. Eventhough everyday is a pain for me since I am still on shock with what happened, I try to manage things somehow. And I'm proud to say that up 'til now I have pulled it off.. barely, but I'll take it as a sucess anyway. However, there are still things that I haven't anticipated that might happen (and did happen) ... basic things actually, but I want to bonk my head for not anticipating it. Certifiably, I am still a breakup newbie.

What must I do when family members and close relatives ask "how is she?" Obviously, I haven't broke the news to them yet. I did not have the intention to because I am a person who is not really very open with my intimate relationships to my family and relatives.

Yes, they know her and they knew we were happy together. That's about it. I don't know, it is just me. I am very comfortable sharing our lives with my friends, but with relatives.. there is this feeling of awkwardness. Oh c'mon.. don't crucify me for that, I know there are many people like me in this world.

And then it happened. A while ago, my mom asked me to give her some foot rub. Her feet is killing her (maybe because of stress from work, or pains of growing old) and asked me if I could massage it a bit. Of course I obliged. While massaging her feet, we get to talk about many things but it is mostly school stuff, and then she asked a question that caught me dumbfounded....

"Kamusta si Mica (Tieza)? Bakit hindi na siya bumibisita dito?" ("How is Mica? Why isn't she visiting us anymore?") That question made my jaw drop to the ground. Even if the answer to that question would make me win a million peso, I know I can't answer it because honestly, I don't know what to say.

My mother loved Tieza very much. She is the first girlfriend I have ever introduced to my mother. Whenever my mom would learn that Tieza is coming. She always leaves what she is doing in order to fix something up for Tieza. My mother also had a picture of Tieza on her wallet. My mom really liked her. Whenever she goes home to our province, she always bring something back for Tieza.

Same with my father (but thank God he never asked me the same question yet), he liked Tieza very much that even him (he is not much of a talker, I tell you), he "coaches" me what to wear (because I am a very sloppy dresser) so that Tieza "would not just leave me for some handsome face in Ateneo." (Haha.Sob.)

Tieza made a big impact to my family. Whenever she visits the house, my father would crack jokes at her. My mom asks me now and then how is she and how is her life at Ateneo. During a recent family reunion, my mom even wanted her to come. Even the relatives at our province know her... my mom is the best advertiser in the family.

As I am writing this entry, Uncle Allan (from U.K., an Englishman who married my Aunt) emailed me asking me how the weather is here in the Philippines. (He has this thing for weather, climates and stuff) Guess what's included in the letter:

Please give my regards to everyone.Mum & Dad and Julius and of course your very nice girlfriend (I'm hopeless with names but I am sure she will forgive me). By the way, how is Alice?

Alice is our pet dalmation, by the way.

Even relatives from the U.K. are asking me how is she.

"She's... okay." That's the best I can say to my mother. And I don't intend to follow it up. I continue massaging her feet.

Why I Hate the word "Maybe"

It is a very well known fact that we do not know what lies ahead for us. A fact, I guess, that makes our lives worthwhile and worth living. Imagine a life where you know how everything will take place up to the day that it is time to leave this earth. A sad life, if you'll ask me. I am sure that is the reason why God let himself be the only one to know our futures, He doesn't want us to just wait for it, he wants us to work hard for it.

People ask me if I believe in destiny, fate or moira. Yes, I believe in destiny but what I don't believe in is pre-destiny. I do not believe that my life is planned ahead of me while I was still on my mother's womb. Yes, I know that I have a future but that future is yet to be written by me and no one else.

As a former student of Philosophy, I know that for centuries, various philosophers debated on this issue. Some believed in pre-destination while other believe in absolute free-will. If you ask me, I am for the latter. That is why I hate movies that depict lovers born and destined for each other and I hate songs with lines "it is written in the stars."

Also, I hate the words, "if we were meant for each other then we will end up with each other."

For me, those words are the ultimate alibi. It is an excuse for people to be stagnant and do nothing on their respective situation. It is an excuse for escaping a sinking ship. These are words of people who just let "love" take its course and sit back do nothing about it.

I am sorry, I don't believe in those. Yes, we all have a future, but we should work hard for it. Saying that destiny "would" take its course makes us do nothing or justifies why we aren't doing anything. If you really love something or someone, set your heart for it and fight for it as if there is no tomorrow. You don't deserve any reward that "destiny" brought for you. You only deserve what you earn.

If you love someone, fight for him or her. God did not ordain for us a certain person, He lets us choose and lets us do domething about it. God does not impose, He guides. I don't believe that fate should lead your path, you should lead your own fate. Because in the end, being coursed by fate is just like betting on a high stake lottery, some win but some does not. The sad thing is, we do not know where we will be and by that time there is no turning back.

If you really love someone, don't let fate decide on it. Work hard for it. And instead of saying "maybe", just say "I'm working on it."

DUH !!!!!

Goddamnit! I just did something stupid. I was kinda testing how I am now after a week. So, to test that, I did something stupid... I browsed on her Friendster page. Goddamnit! Immediately as her picture loaded on my monitor, I felt that familiar throbbing pain in my chest... just a sign that Yes, I haven't gotten over yet. I feel like a complete moron. Anyway, do me favor.. just please read the next post and just pretend you never read this entry.

What's Your Song?

Right now, I am listening to Stephen Bishop's song, 'It might be you'. This was Tiez and my song when we were still together.

But then actually, 'It might be you' was my favorite song. Even before Tieza came into my life. During my pre-Tieza days, whenever I will court someone, this is the song that always plays in my mind. However, the song became our anthem and even the people who were close to us has us first in mind whenever they hear the song.

I don't know why I like this song very much. First that strucks me is the into part... whenever I hear the intro, I always get goosebumps (and I am not exaggerating). The intro has this feeling of freshness and it makes me feel relaxed. The intro has a distinct 80's feel in it.

And then the lyrics. This is a song where a person realizes that the person he or she is with might be the person he/she is waiting for all of his/her life to share eternity with. The thought is very sweet. Like the person singing the song, I too wait for that someone who I will spend the rest of my life loving.

And I thought it was Tieza. Too bad I was wrong and I learned it the hard way. Since this is the way things should be, I now take the song with me. And although this song reminds me much of her, I will try to take this song away from her. This is my song. This is my song about my search for the one I love and the one who will love me back.

I dream of the day when destiny strikes and I am already looking at that person's eyes. Then I will sing to her:

"Maybe it's you.. I've been waiting for, all of my life."

A Letter She Will Never Read

Dear Tiez,

Tomorrow when I wake up, I will realize that it has been already a week since we broke our relationship. We had broke up on many occasions already, but I know our love was strong that after days of our separation we managed to get back on each others arms.

But tommorow, it will be different. I know that our separation last week was the culmination of it all. That not in the nearest future that our paths will cross again. As you have said, the relationship had a big crack on it already that it is impossible for us to get back together soon.

Waking up on mornings after that was the hardest part of my day. I will wake up just to realize that you are gone already. There are days that I don't want to sleep just to avoid the agony of waking up. I am confronted with the cold fact that my greatest nightmare had already happened in my waking hours.

We had survived many trials already. Our story was not even normal to the fact that we admitted that our love story is the stuff that what makes novels and other soap operas. Maybe , that's one of the reason I was confident that it will really be me and you in the end.

We believed in the impossible. We believed that we will end up together. We talked about our dreams. Our roles once we have our respective careers already, how our house will look and even the names of our children was in order already. Yes we had fights, even major fights in the past, but not enough to even make a dent on our relationship.

I don't know why things changed. Maybe it is normal for people to build themselves up so that they can achieve their dreams, ambitions and finally to feel happy and accomplished. However, I do believe that if you love someone, you should include him in those dreams and you should share in building and pursuing your dreams together. When you love someone, you share, you don't just go on separate paths.

I do believe that love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I even agree with you that happiness is needed in order to retain a relationship. However, is it possible for a person not to be happy with a person she loves? That's the greatest paradox I ever heard. If you are not happy with a person, then, you must admit that there is no longer love present. Even a situation that has much pain and agony but has love present, happiness is always there. You can't just love a person but not be happy. No matter what the situation is.

I admit what happened on the night was my fault. However, the original reason of our fight that night was not really the issue.
What I was hurting for that night is that why you have abandoned a belief we shared together. You know that externalities should not mean a thing. Yes, years ago we had opposite beliefs but we had made a compromise and eventually, we shared the same belief, not forced, but whole-heartedly already. Your sudden change of heart crushed me totally. Again, it is not the externalities that matter, it is what lies inside that matters most.

You wanted freedom before and I gave it. You know that I was having the smallest slice of the cake on that arrangement but I compromised my feelings because I loved you very much and I don't want to lose you. Now, on the eve of our separation, I asked you something for a compromise but you strongly refused me. I am a person too, if you really loved me you should sacrifice things for me too.

I had the biggest question during our last months. What changed you? I tried to reach back for you, but you refused to. Our mutual friends talked to you, but you did not listen to them. You found comfort in your new friends and new suitors. Maybe the thought of something novel enchanted and enticed you, but what about the things that are a part of you even before all of the new things came in?

I learned of new things but what hurts that it didn't came from you. Yes, you told me things but I learned afterwards you didn't paint a complete story, conveniently omitting crucial parts. Would you believe even today as I write my letter, there are friends of yours (not the two persons you know and not the one you could imagine contacting me) contacted me to find out my side of the story. They felt the story you given them was lacking.

Tieza, you know that up to now, I still love you. It didn't even fade after what happened. But what hurts is the realization that I have to learn to love myself. This was a very devastating chapter of my life. I lost myself and have to rebuild myself.

I know that even in our separate ways, I'll still hear news about you. I wanted not to but you know it is not possible. Maybe months from now you'll have someone new, maybe me too. You said that what hurts is that even if you have new relationships, you know that person won't be me. But Tiez, please realize it was your choice. If I have it my way, we would still be together. You tell me that you still believe that it wuld still be us in the future. Maybe yes, maybe no. Many things unseen will happen from now on.

Don't promise me that because I know you failed many promises that you have made me. Please, just prove your worth. Don't promise, just do it. I don't want to suspend my life again holding on to an empty promise.

I miss you so much Tieza. I really do.


****

Update (August 10, 2:30 AM) :

Someone ( I know she does not want me to mention her name) messaged me with this :

just realized something... people will always say that "i hope you're getting better" and so and so... and i know it's the same kind of pain we all went through, but still the pain that you're feeling is different... simply because you're the only one who can feel it...you're the only one who knows how hard it is to sleep at night and you're the only one who knows how hard a simple thing as breathing is .. without her.

*** I will never forget these words because they are true.

Therapy

I had written before on my old blog about how the net could be a warm place for people like us. That eventhough the net is full of pretenders and role-players, there are still many people who are genuine and sincere.

I have proven that again last night when many of you shared kind words with me through my comment box and took time to chat with me via YM. I was really touched by your sincere efforts to console me in my time of distress. I am so happy to meet real people on the net. You don't know me personally but you shared with me my misery. You know that I need you guys and you never failed me. That's why eventhough I am in this stage of misery, I know I 'll go forward because of the thought that there are people like you ready to help me find my way.

Many thanks to Sinta, Chi, Ayeza, Vea, Jerald, CheR, Tricia, Ivy, Ryx, Pao, Johanna, Teng, Abster, Margaux and Ley for giving kind words on my comment box and Cha too on friendster.

To CheR, Tricia, June and Abi for giving their time and chatting with me via YM.

********

To the question, How am I? Honestly, I am still disoriented now since Tiez and I separated. Obviously, I'm still feeling the pain because it was just recent and I am still on the point that even a blank wall would remind me of her. I am still praying that this is just a nightmare, that tomorrow when I wake up everything will just be like the way during our happier days.

She does not know that I have a separate blog already. And I hope she doesn't find it. She thinks I've ceased the old blog and does not know I put up a link going here. I don't want her to see me wallowing in agony about her absence.

When I and CheR chatted, she mentioned about blogging as therapy. Blogging is release. This is a venue for me to shout that I am vulnerable and yes, I do want Tieza back eventhough it won't happen. Not in the nearest future. (See, I am still hoping. Pathetic, don't you think?)

But I know I should move on... with or without Tieza in the horizon. So for the meantime, I'll be blogging much alright. I hope you guys be my shrink. I need therapy.


**********

UPDATE : I just finished writing this piece when Vea took time and buzzed me via YM. We chatted for a long time and she was really a dear. Very sweet near-to-be-debutante. She had lots of stories to tell and honestly, I enjoyed the conversation too much that I forgot to wallow already. Vea, thank you very much. You are a princess :)

CheR also buzzed me again to check how I was doing. Of course I won't put what we have talked about because she'd kill me. She is now my official love guru. Haha. Thanks very much CheR.

This is what I was just writing about. Meeting bloggers who care for their fellow bloggers. The net (especially our blogging community) is my alternate universe. But unlike an alternate universe with fictional and surreal characters, my universe is full of people like you. People who care. People who empathize. People who have their own stories to share. I am so happy and honored to have all of you guys. Keep me in therapy.

Hello

Hello. I know some of you guys reading this entry right now were our frequent readers on our old blog: Twentyplusone. Some of you are puzzled and some emailed me asking why the blog had to end. However, I guess by this time it is pretty obvious. The blog was a testament to love. Now a love ended.

Some of you emailed me for expressing their support and other kind words. Thank you guys. I can not say much on how the story ended. But as last word, allow me to use Barry Manilow's song. The song encapsulated it all.

***********

After you go I can catch upon my reading
after you go I'll have a lot more time for sleeping
and when you're gone it looks like things are going to be a lot easier
life will be a breeze you know I really should be glad

but I'm bluer than blue sadder than sad
you're the only life this empty room has ever had
life without is going to be
bluer than blue

after you go I'll have a lot more room in my closet
after you go I'll stay out all night if I feel like it
and when you're gone I could run through the house screaming
and no one will ever hear me
I really should be glad

but I'm bluer than blue sadder than sad
you're the only life this empty room has ever had
life without you is going to be
bluer than blue

I don't have to miss no t.v. shows
I can start my whole life over
change the numbers on my telephone
but the nights will sure be colder

and I'm bluer than blue
sadder than sad
you're the only life this empty room has ever had
life without you is going to be

bluer than blue
bluer than blue
bluer than blue

************

For the last time. I love you Tieza, My sunshine. Thank you
for the two years of commitment. Five years of love story.