Dear Tiez,
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will realize that it has been already a week since we broke our relationship. We had broke up on many occasions already, but I know our love was strong that after days of our separation we managed to get back on each others arms.
But tommorow, it will be different. I know that our separation last week was the culmination of it all. That not in the nearest future that our paths will cross again. As you have said, the relationship had a big crack on it already that it is impossible for us to get back together soon.
Waking up on mornings after that was the hardest part of my day. I will wake up just to realize that you are gone already. There are days that I don't want to sleep just to avoid the agony of waking up. I am confronted with the cold fact that my greatest nightmare had already happened in my waking hours.
We had survived many trials already. Our story was not even normal to the fact that we admitted that our love story is the stuff that what makes novels and other soap operas. Maybe , that's one of the reason I was confident that it will really be me and you in the end.
We believed in the impossible. We believed that we will end up together. We talked about our dreams. Our roles once we have our respective careers already, how our house will look and even the names of our children was in order already. Yes we had fights, even major fights in the past, but not enough to even make a dent on our relationship.
I don't know why things changed. Maybe it is normal for people to build themselves up so that they can achieve their dreams, ambitions and finally to feel happy and accomplished. However, I do believe that if you love someone, you should include him in those dreams and you should share in building and pursuing your dreams together. When you love someone, you share, you don't just go on separate paths.
I do believe that love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I even agree with you that happiness is needed in order to retain a relationship. However, is it possible for a person not to be happy with a person she loves? That's the greatest paradox I ever heard. If you are not happy with a person, then, you must admit that there is no longer love present. Even a situation that has much pain and agony but has love present, happiness is always there. You can't just love a person but not be happy. No matter what the situation is.
I admit what happened on the night was my fault. However, the original reason of our fight that night was not really the issue.
What I was hurting for that night is that why you have abandoned a belief we shared together. You know that externalities should not mean a thing. Yes, years ago we had opposite beliefs but we had made a compromise and eventually, we shared the same belief, not forced, but whole-heartedly already. Your sudden change of heart crushed me totally. Again, it is not the externalities that matter, it is what lies inside that matters most.
You wanted freedom before and I gave it. You know that I was having the smallest slice of the cake on that arrangement but I compromised my feelings because I loved you very much and I don't want to lose you. Now, on the eve of our separation, I asked you something for a compromise but you strongly refused me. I am a person too, if you really loved me you should sacrifice things for me too.
I had the biggest question during our last months. What changed you? I tried to reach back for you, but you refused to. Our mutual friends talked to you, but you did not listen to them. You found comfort in your new friends and new suitors. Maybe the thought of something novel enchanted and enticed you, but what about the things that are a part of you even before all of the new things came in?
I learned of new things but what hurts that it didn't came from you. Yes, you told me things but I learned afterwards you didn't paint a complete story, conveniently omitting crucial parts. Would you believe even today as I write my letter, there are friends of yours (not the two persons you know and not the one you could imagine contacting me) contacted me to find out my side of the story. They felt the story you given them was lacking.
Tieza, you know that up to now, I still love you. It didn't even fade after what happened. But what hurts is the realization that I have to learn to love myself. This was a very devastating chapter of my life. I lost myself and have to rebuild myself.
I know that even in our separate ways, I'll still hear news about you. I wanted not to but you know it is not possible. Maybe months from now you'll have someone new, maybe me too. You said that what hurts is that even if you have new relationships, you know that person won't be me. But Tiez, please realize it was your choice. If I have it my way, we would still be together. You tell me that you still believe that it wuld still be us in the future. Maybe yes, maybe no. Many things unseen will happen from now on.
Don't promise me that because I know you failed many promises that you have made me. Please, just prove your worth. Don't promise, just do it. I don't want to suspend my life again holding on to an empty promise.
I miss you so much Tieza. I really do.
****
Update (August 10, 2:30 AM) :
Someone ( I know she does not want me to mention her name) messaged me with this :
just realized something... people will always say that "i hope you're getting better" and so and so... and i know it's the same kind of pain we all went through, but still the pain that you're feeling is different... simply because you're the only one who can feel it...you're the only one who knows how hard it is to sleep at night and you're the only one who knows how hard a simple thing as breathing is .. without her.
*** I will never forget these words because they are true.
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