Swapping Tonsils

Ladies and Gentlemen, good day.

I have a prepared statement that I want to read to all of you. I have prepared it together with my attorney. I would like to thank my attorney because he is generous enough to be with me right now despite his hectic schedule as a cheap notary public with a desk and a typewriter somewhere outside DFA.

By now, you might have seen it on the web or received a copy in your email an alleged picture of Heart Evangelista french kissing an unidentified male in a bar at Makati.

With deep regrets I would like to say that I admit, I am the male person on that picture. I admit that it is a lapse on judgement on my part why I did that terrible mistake (of being caught anyway). How am I supposed to know that there was an asshole with a cameraphone trained at us that night? And I know you heard this excuse somewhere before, but heck, everybody's using that excuse, Clinton got away with that flimsy excuse and so was Gloria, so why can't I?

Anyway, I regret having done that (you think?!?!). I know I have caused such great pain to many people. Especially the majority of male Filipinos who has a sickly kind of fetish with Heart. Haha, die in envy, ...errr,eherm, sorry.

I would also like to say sorry to my girlfriend who was very loyal and bedazzled to me. I know she had sleepless nights because of this scandal and the amount of pain due to the betrayal, shock... er, wait I just remember. I dont have a girlfriend.

Also, I'm apologizing to the priests who have raised me for what I am now. Yes, I was an altar boy since birth and the only bad thing I did from recent memory was to say "Shit" infront of the Bishop... during mass. But dear Fathers, you must understand that it was you who taught me that you should receive all blessings with open hands and to resist it is a sin. And I thought swapping tonsils with Heart was a blessing. Haven't you heard the term, "blessing in disguise?"

Lastly, to all my countrymen, I'm sorry. I tickled your insatiable appetite to be voyeurs and eavesdroppers once again. I have put another burden in your shoulders as if you dont have other more pressing and urgent problems to think about, say, hunger and poverty and unemployment? I know you can't resist minding other's own businesses, and here I am handing it to you on a silver platter. Darn, you listen to private phone calls and now taking pictures and videos of things that are-none-of-your-business? They say you can easily spot a Filipino in Italy. How? Look for a couple that is french kissing on a park, or say, a subway. Whoever looks and stares at the couple is surely to be a Filipino.

Again, I am so sorry for all this trouble. Good day (End of statement)