The Truth

"Col. Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.
Col. Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I want the truth.
Col. Jessep: You can't handle the truth."

- From the movie, "A Few Good Men"

A few days ago, I had a revelation. A revelation that I wished I haven't heard. A revelation that I wished never came to be.

I have learned that my greatest nightmare already happened. The thing that I pray to God to never happen in my whole life just happened. What is bad about it is that it already happened for many months before I got to know it.

Having your nightmare happen is a very terrible thing. But I just learned what's more terrible than to have your nightmare come true: it is to live your life inside that nightmare from now on .

They said that the truth is beautiful. The kind of truth that was revealed to me was disgusting and loathful.

Everyday when I wake up, the first thing I always feel is my heart throbbing in pain. I just wish what I felt was just physical pain, that I am sick with some fatal heart disease and die immediately. But fate is too cruel, what I feel is not my body failing, but of anguish, pain and 13 other kinds of evil.

As everyday passes, I am writhing in agony. So far, this is the worst point of my life. I came to experience many tragedies before, but so far, this is the worst. What's worse is, I know that this agony of mine wouldn't end tommorrow, or next month, or maybe a year even.

I cannot tell anyone about it. How much I would like to release this demon inside me, but I know I have to keep it to myself.

I am living my life now as a martyr. So that another person could be in heaven right now and enjoy life and indulge with a robber's feast, I have to sacrifice and live my life in hell. Is it a fair trade? Of course not! But there are reasons that I have to do this. Reasons even that other person I made the trade with won't understand. Are you happy seeing me in pain? Are you happy it's me wriggling like a worm and not you? I am but human and I make mistakes, but is this the way what you want me to suffer?

The truth lied. The truth never set me free. The truth with all its agony will kill me eventually. Only time will tell.

Rollercoaster

Insanity is like having a roller coaster ride.

You scream your lungs out, you curse your friend who convinced you to take the ride, go vertigous when the roller coaster swirls and twirls on the tracks, and some of the time, vomit everything that you ate on the floor. You swear that you'll never ride that machine from hell ever again. However once the ride stops, you immediately line-up on the long queue again wanting to have that roller coaster ride one more time.

It seemed I never learned my lesson.

After having the hardest time of my life happening after my previous relationship failed, here I am again feeling that I am holding tickets for my next roller coaster ride. Yes, it has been a year and is obviously time to move on, but after all the pain and anguish, am I really ready to move on and start the next chapter?

I am afraid to make the same mistakes again and I'll do anything to spare me from feeling all that pain all over again. But it seemed my feelings rebelled on me, even if my mind says that it's best to stay where I am right now. My feelings are like on auto-pilot right now.

I am afraid because I am feeling the first stages of falling in love. I love this feeling. I feel like a teen-ager again. I am feeling cliches. Do you remember the feeling that "your heart skips a beat?" I am afraid that I am feeling that all over again.

But I should be wiser now. I experienced that after four years of feeling that way comes a hurtful moment you wouldn't forget. Is it a fair trade?

One thing is for sure however, I am now holding the tickets for another potential roller coaster ride.

And only fools rush in.

Giving the world a "fuck you" sign

Looking where I am today, I realize that this is a far cry where I expected myself to be years ago. I don't want where I am and I don't know how I got here. Everything seemed so fast, like a car accident, I never knew what hit me.

I feel like I am living in a cage. Everywhere I look, I see a dead end sign. I didn't know what to do, so I just let myself drift by, seeing where the tide would bring me.

However, the tide did not bring me anywhere. I just stayed where I was. I was frozen, in suspended animation. I always said tomorrow is another day, but what I did that day, I still do the day after.

I can only remember who I was before. I can only hear voices. Voices that was once uttered in accolade but was never heard by me again.

I have wasted a lot of years. I look at the mirror and I see that I am already old. I am no longer that proud young man who once stood tall. All I am now is a remnant of a person no longer recognized. A fossil, even.

I have many people to blame for my misfortune. But in the end, I know that I am the only one responsible to the path where I led my life into. I was my own executioner.

I don't want to be this anymore.

I want to break free and escape where I am imprisoned right now. Even if I have to chew each one of the iron bars that locks me in right now, I will do it. After that, I will run as fast as I can, like a mad convict running away from the sanitarium.

And I will return. Mighty as was before. But this time, I'll stick my middle finger and give a fuck you sign to the world.

You can't get me. You will not get me anymore.

Time to Move On

I think it's too long already.

I have been miserable for so long. It's been a long time and I haven't picked myself up from the mud where I was. All I am holding is an empty promise of a person too far and too proud to look back.

Where was I all this time?

I made myself believe that all will be alright in the end. I doubted it, but I still held on to it. I was like a drug-dependent fool, looking for my daily downer hoping all the days will go on fast forward until that day she comes back.

You don't know me, but I was mighty before. But with her, I soared higher. But little did I know that a drop from an altitude that high can incapacitate you or even kill you. Since I was thrown away like a butt of cigarette from a height that high, my life took a sudden stop. Stopped, because I believed it was all a nightmare, and I will be waking up soon finding everything is alright and happy as it was before.

But I never woke up for this is reality.

I came to accept where and what I am now. But most important, I came to accept why I am now.

And now, I see the sun shine on me again. This time however, it was real sunshine.

I know I am awake now. It's time for me to move on. How the mighty has fallen. How the mighty will rise up again.

Deposuit potentes. Exsurrecit potentes.

SSS, BIR and their evil stepbrother, NBI.

One of the ardous task of going to work on a new place is completing your pre-employment requirements. And since more than half of those requirements are processed via government offices, expect that you're on a one-way ride to hell.

My theory is, companies makes you transact with government offices, not really to obtain vital information and documents, but that is your initiation rite to their company. You think hazing in college is the bomb? Try completing your SSS, BIR and other stuff. Paddles are like cotton candies compared against transacting business with a government office.

Also for your employers, making you go to that hell and beyond will make you stay in their company for the longest time just to avoid interacting with those government offices again. And besides, if you went through all of that and survived, you must be made of steel, again, a gauge that companies can know that they can abuse your limits.

It is sad to know that your monthly salary is massacred in half due to many government mandated thing-a-majigs. I'm not really against it, but heck, it's a lot of money off my paycheck, at least I should see my taxes and other contributions work for me, right?

But noooo sir. Seeing the dismal state of those offices and the kind of atrocious service they provide? They are not even worth a nickel off my hard worked paycheck.

***

Special mention is the NBI clearance. i know, it is an invaluable tool in determining whether an applicant was a past felon or something. But then again, don't you guys feel the thing is reversed? You getting an NBI clearance is a way you proving your innocence on any charge. But if I'm not mistaken it says in the constitution that there is a principle that says "everyone is innocent until proven guilty." So, me asked to obtain an NBI clearance means I still have to prove that I'm innocent against any charge. I hate being in a society where I am assumed guilty and I have to prove my innocence.

***
Anyway, I still need to line-up again for my SSS number. This might take a year. Gotta go.